Having been married a very long time now, I think I speak for many women when I say that the "magic" left the relationship long ago. I can't tell you the last time I got a love note, a hot and heavy voicemail, or was molested in the middle of the kitchen for no apparent reason.
I'm not saying I don't love my husband. I do. However, this doesn't change the fact that I, like most girls, thrive on compliments, admiration and good old fashioned flirting. I am not the kind of woman who wakes up and just knows that I'm a hot piece of ass. I also don't have the innate ability to stand in front of a mirror naked without detailing all the cosmetic surgery I so clearly need.
I don't think I should have to qualify this, or any other post I write by saying that no, my husband does not hear about every single shenanigan I get up to. He knows me very well, and knows that regardless of how over-the-edge I get, I will never actually jump off that cliff if you know what I mean.
Anyway, I must have been putting off extensive amounts of pheromones because men, especially younger ones, have been paying attention to me lately. I'm not sure if they always paid attention to me and I ignored it, or if they suddenly started paying attention to me. Point is, I noticed, and I'm not trying to lie and say that I don't enjoy it. Well, it depends on how cute the guy is, but for the most part I enjoy it.
I have Asperger's, and that means I have always had a very hard time filtering what I say. Sometimes I don't even bother, and other times shit just streams out of my mouth that I had no intention of sharing. I include this information to illustrate that sometimes I just say stuff that no normal married woman would say. This leads to some interesting encounters. Case in point, the Tire Guy.
My big, huge, beautiful car has big, huge tires. I bring my car to a place that I trust and one of the guys that works there is suave, super attractive and very friendly. He knows how to flirt with the ladies to get them to pay for extra services they may or may not really need. I, however, am a car girl, so I'm only paying for things I know I need. I find this brand of man very entertaining. He is good at what he does. He called me recently on my cell to tell me my car was ready so I just happened to have his phone number. When I went to get my car, I made normal small talk, asking how his fiance was, and was surprised to find out that he was no longer engaged due to some major relationship drama.
On the way home I felt bad for Tire Guy. Having lived through the exact situation that he was just beginning to live through, I thought he might appreciate some of my hard-earned wisdom. I texted him and offered to talk if he ever needed to. I got a nice reply. I sent a nice reply back. Blah blah and suddenly, I'm texting that I think he's a very attractive guy with a super sexy voice who should have no problem whatsoever finding another girl to fill his time. Um...
Later that night I get a text saying something along the lines of , "Sending you a special goodnight." Voila! There is a picture of a very impressive dick in my phone. I closed the text very quickly and although no one was in the room with me, I was totally embarrassed, and had no idea of what to do. I opened the picture again. Yes, the dick was still there. In my phone. I closed it again.
I texted a much younger girlfriend and asked her if it was normal for younger guys to send pictures of their junk via text. She said it was absolutely normal and in fact, she sends naked pics of herself to guys all the time. It's been a very long time since I've been "in the game" so I am relatively clueless about this kind of thing. She asked me if I had responded, and I said that I had no idea of how to respond. She asked if I liked it, and the convo went like this:
"Liked what? His dick picture?!"
"Yeah, was it impressive?"
"Well yeah, actually, it really was."
"Okay then send him a picture back."
"WHAT?! NO! That is not happening! Plus, I'm married!"
"Well you have to let him know you liked it. That's just rude not to respond!"
"It's rude not to respond to a dick picture?"
"Well yeah! How would you feel if you sent your penis to someone and they didn't respond?"
I had no idea of how to answer that question.
I ended up sending him a simple text that said, "Thank you!"
I know, right?!
What the fuck was I supposed to say?! I was completely shocked that I, a 40-something married lady with more than a few saggy spots and wrinkly bits, had received a picture of a very hot 20-something's very promising man-part.
He texted back, "Send me a picture of you." Which of course, I did not. He is too young to have PTSD from a picture of me. Texts went back and forth but I digress...
I started thinking about what my girlfriend said about younger guys sending pics of themselves when they're attracted to someone. I felt flattered, and a little bit wanted.
I checked out the photo a few more times. Okay, a lot more times. I went about my days and every so often I'd open the photo gallery on my phone to send photos of art, plants, or other stuff to Facebook or to design clients, and there it was in the downloads folder trying to temp me into making homemade porn.
I have asked several older guys about this apparent dating ritual and they swear that 1. They would never text a picture of their dick and 2. It seems very strange if not totally difficult to take said picture. Apparently it wasn't difficult for Tire Guy.
I mentioned the situation to my mother, (who is progressive when it comes to things like this) and she asked if the picture showed the upper or lower position, (except she used her finger to illustrate the positions for me). It was an upper. Most definitely.
Having the dick picture was a daily reminder of something that was never going to happen,
but in the same sense it boosted my ego a little and gave me
self-confidence I was previously lacking. I'm not sure how most women feel about man parts but I'm a big fan. Therefore, I started seeing it as a demented little love note to me that was actually kind of sweet. Tire Guy had mentioned that he
thought I was sexy, and having a younger guy tell
you that you're sexy isn't the worst thing that could happen on a week
day.
I realized that many older girls would benefit from having a saucy dick picture sent to them. Most of us are just doing our older girl thing, picking up kids, getting toilet paper at Costco, wearing shitty sweatpants around the house...A good dick picture can really shake things up and make you put your lip gloss on! I'm not suggesting that women should be cheating on their husbands mind you. I'm suggesting that those women who miss the naked-backyard-sex antics of younger days need a little spring in their step from time to time. Not much is better than a secret dick picture in your cell phone to make a gray day a little more sparkly.
I told a few trusted girlfriends about the incident and thankfully, all were wonderfully supportive and inquisitive. Responses ranged from, "Well you are hot!" to "Please send me the picture!" I did not send the picture to anyone, and one evening, after carefully considering it, I deleted it. With difficulty.
I know.
Having experienced first hand how restorative such a picture was for me, I put on my best sexy voice and asked my husband for a picture of his dick to keep in my phone, to which he replied, "Never gonna happen."
Sigh.
